It’s been more than a month since I last posted here, and for that I am so sorry. So sorry on a number of levels – for the absence, but also for the reason. In that time I’ve done a touch of baking, some jam-making, and occasional weeknight cooking, but the truth is I’ve lost my appetite for the most part, and I haven’t found the peace or pleasure that I normally do in the kitchen. Because during the last month, other things have transpired too, life-altering, world-changing, heart-breaking things, so life has been a little off-kilter, to say the least.
If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly heard mention of Kevin. We met and fell in love in the fall of 2010, and were planning to be married this coming weekend, on September 28th. For the past three years we’ve been making memories together; he has been my whole world, an incredible and supportive partner, the person I go to for everything, and the person I had planned my entire life with. I always looked forward to so many happy years together, starting in the condo we purchased just a couple short months ago.
And today, I still struggle to come to grips with the reality that we are no longer getting married. On the open browser tab next to this one is a listing page for Craigslist, where I am searching for a new place to live, dreading the thought of giving up my entire life as I know it.
I struggled with whether or not it was even appropriate to write about this here, and the truth may be that it’s not. But I believe in honesty and transparency, and I need to get these words out, because they are just eating me alive. Every morning when I wake up, after the few blissful seconds of just-waking have passed, I remember. I relive all over again the pain that fills my days, and run circles around my mind trying to make sense of it all. In the worst moments, I keep expecting to wake up from this bad dream, but then I come to remember that this is real life. Those moments are the ones I dread most.
A few moments of peace and tranquility on Martha’s Vineyard
I’m fortunate to have a strong support system, and friends and family who have really come out of the woodwork to be by my side through this. I’ve observed the same in Kevin’s life, people reaching out and lending a hand to him while he’s hurting, and I am very grateful for that, to know that we both have something beyond just each other. It doesn’t make the pain any easier to bear, though. The old “time heals all wounds” mantra is the one recited to me most frequently these days, and while I find it impossible to believe, I’m just praying that time passes quickly and it really does start to heal these wounds.
I’ve thought a lot about baking lately, and the other simple tasks that make-up the many pieces of my happiness, but it’s admittedly been a struggle. Right now, the act of pulling out my pans, methodically mixing together ingredients and popping a new recipe into the oven, seems like a distant memory of some person I used to be. It feels like a burden, a task I don’t have the energy to complete, and so right now, I’m just not. I miss it, but I miss a lot of things, like the life I thought was waiting for me and the love of a person I’d made a life-long promise to. But I know that someday when the feelings fade and I grow stronger, even if it’s a year from now, I’ll get back in the kitchen and have more things to share with you. Hopefully that kitchen time comes much sooner rather than later, but as with everything, only time will tell.
My beloved equine companion, Sebastian
So now I’ll go, and seek the solace that I once found in Kevin elsewhere. These days I try to stay busy, explore new opportunities, and challenge myself in ways I never have – because really, what else do I have to lose? I do my best to try and notice the way the autumn sun hits the leaves, the incredible depth of the beautiful blue September skies, and way the cool air feels on my skin in the early morning when I’m traipsing to the gym alone. I see the magic around me, during this, my favorite time of year, and I feel heartbroken that I can’t fully embrace it, but also so appreciative that life just goes on. It’s not going to stop for me to grieve, it’s going to power forwards, and one of these days I’ll have to hop back on that train and work my way towards a new normal. With the help of my friends, my family, and this furry equine who gives me the most peace and pleasure I can find these days.
Here’s to new beginnings, even when they seem impossibly hard.